The CompleteTM Marriages Workbook ã 1999
Welcome to Complete MarriagesTM Seminars! It is our goal to instruct and inspire you to the point you can and will achieve an amazing and satisfying marriage. This booklet is packed with key quotes and exercises to help you gain your goals.
Consider this: "The husband edifies by praising, nourishing, and cherishing — he never criticizes her; he especially avoids even hinting at criticism in areas where she feels insecure or vulnerable. The wife edifies her husband by her loving response to him, by her respect, admiration, awe, adoration, reverence, and deep love of him as a full time job — in brief, she helps him feel his own competence and expresses appreciation for his man-hood." Both edify by expressing "encouragement by word, by focused attention, by eye contact, and by loving touch."—Dr. Ed Wheat
We welcome you to enjoy this time together. All questions are well received. We encourage you to jot down questions you want to place on the lecturn during breaks. They’ll be answered during the next session before we proceed. Of course, since most questions are on the mind of the majority, all questions will be answered in the general sessions.
Pr. Pete Bruno
The Ten Commandments of Marriage
(from $198,000.00 research)
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"In our society, we expect marriage to provide us with romance, empathy, excitement, physical gratification, and security. These expectations have become so lofty that the chances of experiencing a significant let down are raised to dangerous levels."
– George Barna in The Future of the American Family1. Commitment = A pledge to do something promised, especially an engagement by contract. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person. (The American Heritage® Dictionary)
If you think you can, You Can!
If you think you can't, You Can't!
You're always right!
If you want to find the miracles and magic in marriage, change yourself back to how you acted when you fell in love and you’ll do it all over again. The miracle is in every breath you take together, every day you spend together, and every time you choose to re-express the love you have.
Commitment is the bedrock, the foundation to marriage happiness. All of the other essentials rest on commitment.
I am going to be fully committed to my marriage because:
My commitment will show in the following ways:
2. Communication = The art and technique of using words effectively and with grace in imparting one's ideas.
"I've learned three things about this. First, don't prolong the sharing times. Men seem to get bored easily with this kind of talking, so be sensitive to signs of restlessness. Second, make the experience extremely pleasant for your husband. Third, communicate your genuine interest in knowing him. Of course, he has to be sure this is all in the strictest confidence and that you'll never use it against him later. I see that it's not easy for men to become vulnerable to their wives. It takes a lot of trust—and practice, too."
One of the greatest destructive elements in a relationship is the inability to relate and lapse into silence.
Good communication is important to me because:
I am going to practice good communication by doing these:
In what ways are you good at being assertive?
In what ways are you good at using active listening skills?
Make a wish list of 3 things you want your mate to do more often:
3. Fidelity = Faithfulness to obligations, duties, or observances. Exact correspondence with fact or with a given quality, condition, or event; accuracy. Synonyms: faithful, allegiance, loyalty. These words mean faithfulness, as to a person or a cause. Fidelity implies the unfailing fulfillment of duties and obligations and strict adherence to vows or promises: e.g. fidelity to one's spouse.
God intends for our relationships to grow beyond this attraction and need-getting to a caring and need-meeting love.
To achieve this deep and whole love, God requires our undivided loyalty to each other. Our jobs, parents, or children can never take complete or real priority over our relationship with each other. This is why God calls us to "leave and cleave." As the Bible puts it, "For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." (Gen. 2:24 )God wants us to completely accept each other: each other's job, personality, and even quirks. A bride who will not accept her groom’s work is outside of God’s plan — but so is a man who will not accept his wife’s emotional needs for his time and listening ears. A husband who thinks only of his needs is completely outside God’s plan — just as is a wife who tries to rule her husband.
Fidelity is necessary in my marriage in order for me to:
I am going to improve my practice of fidelity by:
4. Friendship = a relationship with a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause.
85% of Married Montanans seem to know this. They report that their definition of true love is "doing all I can to meet my mate's needs without expecting anything in return." But they also report that their spouse is uniquely able to meet their own needs.
God's plan is one of mutual sacrifice, submission, and surrender.
! The Bible calls for each of us to submit to one another, to give ourselves and our selfishness up: "But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; (Eph 5:24-25 NASB).
Being best friends is important to me because:
I am going to be my spouse’s best friend by doing:
5. Conflict resolution
Conflict = A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or interests; a clash. Psychology: A psychic struggle, often unconscious, resulting from the opposition or simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires, or tendencies.
Resolution = An explanation, as of a problem or puzzle; a solution. The part of a story in which the complications of the plot are resolved or simplified. Psychology: A solution which meets the needs of all people involved.
GETTING YOUR SEX LIFE OFF TO A GREAT START by Clifford and Joyce Penner
MALE / FEMALE DIFFERENCES
He likes the room cold. She likes the room hot.
He is result oriented. She is process oriented.
He wants to solve her problem. She wants him to listen to her problem.
He wants sex. She wants romance.
He wants to engage in activities. She wants to talk.
He likes intense kissing. She likes pliable kisses.
Sexually, he goes for more. Sexually, less makes her hungry for more.
Willard Harley Jr. in HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS:
MALE
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FEMALE
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The Five Languages of Love
Gary ChapmanLove Busters: Willard Harley Jr.
Additional Love Busters:
*Failure to leave parents or parents fail to let go of married
*Failure to devote to one another, prioritize relationship
*Failure to build each other up
*Critical spirit
*Selfish Getter instead of a Cheerful Giver
*Failure to Accept Male-Female and Other Differences
*Giving What You Want instead of What Mate Needs
*Neglecting to Give All Five Types of Love (Ed Wheat’s)
*Giving but Keeping Score
*Failure to Mutually Surrender
*Failure to Quit Negative Behaviors (addictions, anger, annoyances, etc.)
*Failure to Develop Spiritually
"Concentrate on your unmet needs, scheme to have them fulfilled, or become controlling—and your mate responds out of fear of rejection—not in love—you lose respect, admiration, and the essence of the one you love." "Instead, focus on meeting her needs, and she’ll focus on meeting yours."
In great marriages, both strive to give all five types of love — continually.
"Hostility and negative attitudes are barriers to genuine love. The common denominator in all unresolved marriage problems is an unforgiving spirit. If you want to receive love, you can not be negative in any attitude."
"You do not have to be controlled by your feelings. You are not a prisoner to your past. You are in control of your present thoughts and feelings—and thus your future feelings."
"God doesn’t tell us to change our feelings. But He does tell us how He wants us to think and act. God knows if we change our thoughts and behaviors, our feelings will also change after awhile too."
The Dance of Anger, Dr. Harriet Lerner, Do's and Don'ts:
When your mate wants to change you:
The 10 Keys to Solving Conflict are:
Resolving my conflicts is important because:
I am going to resolve conflicts by doing the following:
Conflict Resolution Worksheet
1. Schedule a specific place, date and time for a couple meeting within the next week. Allow at least 30 minutes
.Meeting Place:
Date:
Time:
2. Select one important issue you would like to resolve. List the specific issue or problem for discussion below:
3. How do you each contribute to the problem? Without blaming each other, list the things you each do that have not helped to resolve the problem.
Male:
1)
2)
Female:
1)
2)
4. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful.
1)
2)
3)
5. Brainstorm—pool your new ideas and try to attain five possible solutions to the problem. Do not judge or criticize any of the suggestions at this point.
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6. Discus and evaluate each of these possible solutions. Be as objective as you can. Talk about how useful & appropriate each suggestion might be for resolving issues.
7. Alter you have expressed your feelings, select one solution you both agree to try.
Trial Solution:
Agree how you will each work toward this solution. Be as specific as possible.
Male:
Female
Set a place, date and time within the next week for another meeting to discuss your progress.
Meeting Place:
Date:
Time:
Pay attention to each other as the week passes. If you notice your partner making a positive contribution toward the solution, praise his/her effort.
| Future Weekly Meetings |
At your next weekly meeting, if you have not improved, go through Steps 5-8 and try a different solution. If you have shown improvement, use this exercise to overcome other problems.
Make couple meetings a regular part of your weekly schedule.
6. Shared Goals and Interests
Share = To participate in, use, enjoy, or experience jointly with another
Make each other’s dreams come true.
Along with interest demonstrated on both sides, there must be a growing delight in knowing one another better, for that is the greatest incentive to intimacy. If you enjoy each other's company and the sharing of experiences, you are well on the way to intimacy. In such a setting neither partner minds opening up to the other, because both have the confidence the better they are known, they more they will be loved.
This means that if you want emotional intimacy in your marriage, you will have to gain a good understanding of your partner's feelings There is no shortcut for this. You will need to study your partner lovingly and listen to your partner with your whole being. Both of you will need to develop your verbal skills and learn how to talk about your inner life.
One wife got her husband to start sharing his feelings by what she called "Sunday afternoon communication breaks." The two would lie across the bed, sharing thoughts, or go for a leisurely walk together. From sharing thoughts, she would move into sharing feelings, and exhibit such a gentle interest in her husband's feelings, he began to enjoy expressing them.
It is important to share in each other’s goals and interests in order to (six words): ______________________________________
and to achieve (one word): __________________________.
I am going to share in: ____________________________________
7. Sexual Satisfaction: Sexual = Pleasure, sexual pleasure. Implying or symbolizing erotic desires or activity. Satisfaction = a. The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, a need, or an appetite. b. Pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification. c. A source or means of gratification. d. Assurance beyond doubt or question; complete conviction.
Middle English, from Old French, from Latin satisfactio, amends
"Sexual infidelity and sexual deprivation are the same. They both say: ‘You’re not good enough for me!’"
"In most men and many women the appetite for sex is not chosen—it is there like the need for air, and water—not necessary for life but completely necessary for wellness. Begin by looking on sex in your marriage as an opportunity for genuine lovemaking (the making or building of love) through giving and receiving in ways that are physically and emotionally satisfying for both of you." "Each has an equal right to the other’s body. The wife’s body now belongs to the husband. The husband’s body now belongs to the wife. This means we are to love our mate’s body and care for it as our own. Thus unreasonable demands are totally excluded. We must not cheat our partner by abstaining from the habit of sex, except by mutual consent for a brief period of time. Why? Because we will surely open our marriage to satanic temptations. Women fantasize romance —not just sex —more than anything else, and most often a romantic interlude with their own husband. Husband, your wife needs a romantic prelude to sexual intercourse. You may not realize how much your wife desires this or what it means to her. Women must be aroused emotionally as well as physically."
I am going to provide my spouse with sexual satisfaction by:
8. Financial Security : Security = Freedom from risk or danger; safety. Freedom from doubt, anxiety, or fear; confidence. Something that gives or assures safety, such as: A group of private guards. Measures adopted by a government to prevent espionage, sabotage, or attack.
The formula for financial security is:
spend less than you earn and invest the rest.
Financial security is important to me because:
Becase it’s important, here’s my idea for our propsed budget:
BUDGET PLAN
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EXPENSES (Monthly)Housing: Rent or Mortgage: Utilities: Phone: |
INCOME: (Monthly Take Home)Male: Female: Other Income: TOTAL INCOME: |
Loans:
Car:
House:
Personal:
Transportation:
Gasoline:
Repairs:
Food:
Food at home:
Food away from home:
Health Care:
Insurance:
Car:
Home:
Apparel:
Personal Goods:
Household Supplies:
Services:
Dry Cleaning:
Laundry:
Other expenditures:
Charitable Contributions
Daycare:
Child Support:
Other:
TOTAL EXPENSES:
Surplus or Deficit:
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Short Term Financial Goals: 1.
2.
3.
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Long Term Financial Goals: 1.
2.
3. |
9. Attend Church Together Regularly = Every or nearly every week.
1993 Associated Press: Study of 4000 Self Help Books: Best one? The Bible
1993 Heritage Foundation research reported in the newspaper showed regular church-goers have less depression & suicide, alcohol & drug abuse, criminal behavior, illicit sex, and divorce. Regulars have more happiness, higher self-esteem, better health, more income, and more & better sex!
People go to church because of relationships with others and to enjoy worshiping (praising and remembering) together.
Couples get the benefit out of going to church when they sit next to each other, occasionally hold hands, and also attend or co-teach the same Sunday School class together.
The benefits in going to church together for me are:
I will regularly go to church with my spouse because:
10. Pray together daily = Morning or Evening, just the two of you, not meal time but a special time to pray for each other out-loud and to pray for what is important to you.
In addition to meal time ‘grace’ prayers and family devotions, this involves daily couple prayer-time. It should be done out loud, together and holding hands.
Praying together this way is an absolute key to intimacy. Per Dr. Ed Wheat: "It is God’s will in every marriage for the couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow through out their life together.
Recent research released by George Barna to Promise Keepers shows that couples who pray together in this way have reduced their divorce rate to 1%. Praying together was the most significant divorce proofing factor of them all.
Praying together daily gives a marriage:
To gain the benefit of daily couple prayer, I will:
Final story:
A Good Marriage is like starting out on a very long journey
. YOU know the trip is long and sometimes the travel is going to be rough.YOU know the one YOU choose to take with YOU must be compatible, one YOU will be able to appreciate even during the most difficult moments. Since YOU know YOU will sometimes feel frustrated during the journey, YOU will choose a companion YOU admire enough to forgive anything.
YOU understand the success of the trip depends on YOUR ever-increasing maturity & patience with both YOUR companion & ones who will join YOU along the way.
YOU trust YOUR companion will meet YOUR unique needs and commit YOURSELF to give selflessly.
YOU pledge to talk things out even if doing so could bring out areas of conflicting beliefs, needs and values. In the face of conflict or differences, YOU have the faith YOU will find a resolution meeting both YOUR needs.
YOU commit YOURSELF to place YOUR friendship above all others and all other issues. YOU will appreciate YOUR companion's interests and work toward making all of their dreams come true and all their goals be reached.
YOU pledge to be totally financially honest and make all financial decisions together.
YOU understand that the journey can not be all work. There must be time for play & fun and times of rest for spiritual growth.
Most of all, YOU want to find & follow God's plan. YOU Accept that God has a plan. YOU Commit to find and follow it. YOU Trust God to help YOU do so and complete it.
Final Exercise:
Stand up, face each other, a friend or me: & repeat these self-statements after me:
It is the desire of my heart to have a strong marriage. To achieve that goal, I make the following self-statements:
Now answer these three questions:
Bonus! Marriage Saver Wives’ List of 28 Do’s and Don’ts: