About Twelve Essen=
tial
Life Issues
ã 1999
TABLE=
OF
CONTENTS
Introduction..........................................=
...........................................................................=
........................... 2
Chapter One—Love..........................................=
...........................................................................=
.............. 3
Chapter Two—Dating
Chapt=
er
Three—Marriage..........................................=
....................................................................... 12
Chapter Four—Sex..........................................=
...........................................................................=
............. 17
Chapter Five—Homosexu=
ality..........................................=
.............................................................. 24
Chapter Six—Parenting=
..........................................=
...........................................................................=
. 28
Chapter Seven—Life
Chapter Eight—Family =
Life..........................................=
..................................................................... 37
Chapter Nine—Work..........................................=
...........................................................................=
......... 43
Chapter Ten—Money..........................................=
...........................................................................=
......... 48
Chapter Eleven—Time
Chapter Twelve—The Fu=
ture..........................................=
................................................................. 56
For thos= e who encouraged me in Christ: Bob Weinberger, who showed me what a vibrant relationship with our Living Lord is like, and Zig Ziglar who encouraged me= to pursue ministry. For Corky, the men of Promise Keepers, and the ministry te= am at the Terry Wesleyan Church who all encouraged me greatly. With special th= anks to Brent Kalfell and Elza Plann for their editing and suggestions, and the = Life Issues Adult Sunday School Class for being the first students to work throu= gh this book. May God bless you all with the desires of your hearts as you are ‘softhearted’ toward him.
In the 24 years of counse= ling which preceded our marriage ministry, the most fun we had was taping the lo= cal radio show, “Questions for the Counselor” with co-host Jim McBr= ide. Broadcast over an area about the size of Rhode Island, the show developed a steady following of inquisitive and encouraging listeners. Even when a care= er shift brought an end to the show, the questions still kept on coming in.
On the radio, Jim and I s= poke personally to our listeners. This book continues the dialogue in that same conversational style, as I summarize your questions and sift God’s Wo= rd.
Because this book is abou= t God and His Word, I am actually writing to you about love in all its forms, meanings and situations—as it needs to be expressed in today’s world.
Thus, I have chosen to av= oid both theological jargon and digressions. Instead, as much possible, I have answe= red the questions in both a biblical and a direct fashion. However, we have attempted to be both theologically correct and true to the meaning God inte= nded in His Holy Bible.
Toward that end, as this = volume is both desktop published and subject to revision, we encourage both studen= ts and teachers of theology to correspond with us regarding any significant disagreement they have with this work. We would be especially encouraged to receive letters from students interested in dialoging with us.
My first Bible was the King James Version (KJV) rec=
eived
from my Godfather. After I married a loving and godly woman, we moved and
joined a small rural Wesleyan Church and there studied the New International
Version (NIV). Relocation led us to the Evangelical Church of North America=
and
to study from the New American Standard Bible (NASB). We then received a ca=
ll
to minister to the Terry Wesleyan Church and returned to the NIV. Since both
the NASB and NIV are very accurate and similar translations, they are both =
used
for scripture quotes.
While =
love
ceaselessly strives toward that which lies at the hidden most center, hatred
only perceives the topmost surface and perceives it so exclusively that the
devil of hatred, despite all his terror-inspiring cruelty, never is entirely
free of ridicule and of a somewhat dilettantish aspect. One who hates is a =
man
holding a magnifying-glass, and when he hates someone, he knows precisely t=
hat
person’s surface, from the soles of his feet all the way up to each h=
air
on the hated head. Were one merely to seek information, one should inquire =
of
the man who hates, but if one wishes to know what truly is, one better ask =
the
one who loves.
Hermann Broch
Who, in your opinion, is the all time world’s grea= test love giver? Who is the greatest love giver of these times? Do names such as Jesus, Mother Teresa, Dr. Karl Menninger or others come to mind? As express= ed by these individuals, true love involves a full measure of giving. Correct?=
Have = no doubt. God is not only the first, but also the best at loving you (and me).= He loves you so much, he not only sacrificed His precious Son, but He calls you “precious” too. He also made Himself blind to your worst mistak= es. In fact, if you seek and accept His forgiveness, He loves you so much, your forgiveness in eternity is absolutely guaranteed!
True,= God hopes and intends you to grow away from your shortfalls and eventually turn your back on them entirely. He also provides you with the needed encouragem= ent and helps you do just that—turn away from poor behaviors and wrongdoi= ngs—as well as meeting all your honorable needs. Yes, God is perpetually in the business of need-meeting, meeting your needs if and as you are fully seeking Him.
Real = love is generally more than liking, stronger than liking, and more durable than lik= ing. True love, whether Godly or human, puts other persons and their valid needs first. Such acts of true love have no personal agenda: nothing they want of their own, no expectation, no hoping or wishing for other than the benefit = to or joy of the loved one(s).
Altho= ugh married love is somewhat different (see Chapter Three); in general, GodR= 17;s type of love is not looking for a return on an investment. It is unconditio= nal, freely given, and finds joy in you. And even in marriage, we will see love means simultaneously giving and trusting. You will not need to do anything = to try to pressure your mate to me= et your needs—because God, who loved us first, will ensure your needs are met. Thus, in marriage and in = other relationships, when you trust your needs will be met according to the Divine timetable, you are eager and looking to out-serve one another in the ways t= he other needs to be served.
God l= oves you, each of you. One illuminating= way to understand His love in action is to look at His historical “track = record” in response to the choices we humans have made. Have you seen how He has changed His intentions to punish us even when we deserve to be punished? Go= d is love and love’s main func= tion is to meet the proper needs of others—instead of sticking to the need= s of self.
Looki= ng at Scripture from creation to the present, God seems to have grown in His love= for you. You too are called upon to extend your ability to love God and all oth= ers. Often, this growth in love-ability may be thought of as both an increase in strength of the spirit in you and a decrease in your vulnerability to your external attraction to modern world lures as well as redirecting your inter= nal response to the bodily lusts.
As you actually become more loving in both your actions and attitudes, you also be= come more confident, joyful and peaceful. You become less self-centered, control= led by fear, worried, angry or depressed. Yes, it is true, when the Spirit of l= ove increasingly takes you; you are less and less taken by your negative emotio= ns.
C=
onsider—T=
rue or
false? “Love is like a light switch: when turned on, it immediately
pushes out dark emotions and behaviors.”
One of the best, if not t= he very best example of love in action is Jesus in the garden at Gethsemane saying, “Father… yet not My will, but Thine be done.” To better understand the sacrifici= al aspect of freely giving love, consider what Christ’s crucifixion meant—as it was written by A.W. Tozer: “"To be crucified means, first, the man on the cross is facing only one direction; second, he= is not going back; and third, he has no further plan of his own." You see Jesus’ attitude and decision was one of serving in all things—He would serve our true needs and = thus essentially He served God by His serving us.
For us Christ’s fir= st earthly service ended significantly with an action of eternally unparalleled love giving—a crucifixion. Clearly, this core act of love was not done bec= ause it was fun, popular or self-glorifying. Jesus gave His crucifixion to us all because it was the right gift of love, complete love, to give at that momen= t. It was needed right then and Jesus gave it whether He felt like it or not. =
This does not mean that giving when you do not feel= like it is always a true expression of love. For instance, giving just at the mo= ment when someone is unfairly demanding something does not fit this definition! =
Consider—=
How can we as mere mor=
tals,
with all our human frailties, do anything even remotely similar to Jesus? W=
here
could you find the courage or hope needed to give your love or life with
absolutely no guarantee that a specified individual you love will respond i=
n a
specific way or at a specific time when you want them to?
The answer comes in your = (and my) trust in God and your own God- encouraged ability to be patient enough to w= ait for His timing. Yes, as the cattlemen say, we are talking about “maki= ng it from hay to green grass” and sometimes that season is longer than others. But you know, when you focus on recognizing the fact that your need-meeting is coming just as = surely as Spring comes or as day follows night, you and I can be more patient, can’t we? Especially when we remember there is a special bonus for those who wait graciously.
Once, when I waited patiently and joyously for a fr= iend for nearly an hour and was gracious about his lateness, I ended up receivin= g a brand new $100 Bible! So let me suggest, in the absence of major battles or problems, instead of asserting yourself in a demanding way, if you’ve already made your needs are generally known, try just waiting once. Doing so brings you blessings beyond what you may imagine and certainly beyond what = you would have gotten by asking—such as being seduced by your mate, or ot= her acts of kindness. Pay attention and you’ll have no trouble understand= ing the rewards of patience. Honest!
Yes, you and I were never promised there would never be dry times when the love you need to receive f= rom one person comes slowly or not at all—but it still does come to you in other forms and from other people. Step ahead in faith, trust God and Jesus= to act through Holy Spirit interventions into your life and the lives of other= s to guarantee your need-meeting and love reception. Only when you do this, can = you really ‘step up to the plate and take a cut at the ball’ or step out in faith. Only then can you completely give love without expecting a specific response in return—to love freely without worrying about what will come back and when it will come back to you—because by faith you know that good will be coming y= our way.
One day one of my favorite professors, the one who teaches Clinical Pastoral Education, said to a student (it may have been me= ), “Did you express your needs clearly enough to get them met?” Whether it was said directly to me or not, this was a profound revelation a= nd turning point for me. You must never assume, no matter how clearly you know= you need something, everyone else, or even those the closest to you, will know = too. Therefore, you do have a part in making your needs clearly known onc= e in relationships (Ok, sometimes men do need to hear things once a month bef= ore it is all clear to them).
Once you have made your need know, you than step ba= ck and let the other person choose when and how to meet it, or not. But, you realize your own worrying and pushing for it is over, done and gone. You just focus on expressing love.
Expressing love is like doing push ups, the more we= do today, the more we can do tomorrow. As in anything we practice, the more we learn to do, the more we are able to learn to do. We can have a never-ending growth in our capacity to love. Even though that good old saying might come= to mind: “Practice makes perfect,” this is not about perfection—it’s about growing or being continually completed in= the biblical sense of having the absolute joy of out-pouring the in-dwelling lo= ve you’ve received from God through Christ and the Holy Spirit.
To be = happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.<= o:p>
Helen Rowland
How worldly= has dating become? Does it seem to you that we in the United States have made dating into a competitive athletic event? How? How not? Consider the late evening TV shows which have evolved from “The Dating Game” of t= he 60s. What does this type of show say to you about where we stand on dating = as a culture? Where do you stand on dating?
Could the words of God, written centuries ago, have= any relevance to this modern day situation in which we travel supersonically and nearly daily meet with people from different hemispheres either in person o= r on the Internet? I’ll help you with this tough one: Yes, they can and do have application because ‘people are people’ and God still fully desires us to behave in ways which bring us and honor to Him.
Although our culture and norms of behavior have been seriously compromised these last years, human needs and nature have changed very little—if at all. For instance, what is the similarity between t= he warnings about prostitutes in the Bible (Proverbs) and the most recent US Commission on Pornography warning’s about today’s rampant obsce= nity (films, pictures and stories of prostitutes)?
Contrast that with the recent decision of a group of young single women: So far as they are concerned, they will follow the exam= ple of their newlywed friend and not kiss their dates on the lips until after t= hey are married. Is this unworkable? Is this sensible? Does the Bible support t= his seemingly radical agreement? Would it be easier if the Bible had a section = or Chapter entitled Advice on Dating? Did you know it nearly does? The Bible actually says, “Don’t touch.” (1 Cor. 7)
Before we go to 1 Corinthians 7, let’s finish= our look at the cultural differences which have developed since biblical times. Today, as we understand it, young people still promote the idea of dating as seeking the one right person for their special relationship. But it seems t= o me that dating today is really taking the time needed for developing relations= hip skills—thus the wisdom of abstaining from physical & sexual aspec= ts until marriage. However, doesn’t it seem in reality that our young pe= ople go from person to person, using sexual success as their first test—as= if the current one is the one?
Yes, I mean it this way: Since creation we have not changed very much and I suspect our human nature, especially our needs and vulnerability to temptation, has not changed at all. What is so very import= ant here is that since male-female differences exist to a high degree, dating must be the practice field for developing deep male-female communication and learning the relationship ski= lls necessary for bridging those differences. Given the need for practice, shou= ld not all dating behaviors reflect its practice nature and should not GodR= 17;s words on the subject of premarital relationships be seen as taking their temporary nature into account? Isn’t this reflected in our Complete MarriagesTM nation-wide marriage study which found the following statistics about young people living together today? A full 50% of those who are living together without being married feel it is a dumb idea; only 15% of all couples who live together get married and then s= tay married.
So often we go down the “garden path” o= f our culturally popular easy-speak of euphemistic misnomers, blinded to the trut= h, as we call the one we’re ‘shacked up’ with these last two years my fiancé. It is a popular custom, but not statistically profitable one—really, how many= of you would knowingly take the gamble of placing a big bet on something with = no more than a 15% chance of success?
God’s words are clear about these situations.= Even though a “hands off policy” for singles sounds as if it origina= ted with your 1950s High School Principal, God introduced it in 1Corinthians 7. It’s a good policy! The no kissing rule made by the above group of yo= ung ladies might seem extreme, but it is wise. As any male, who is honest about what kissing his sweetheart does to his biochemistry/nervous system, will t= ell you—any extended kiss really kicks his hormones into high gear—= to the point he really doesn’t want to control himself.
From Syracuse University, Dr. Sol Gordon, our natio= nal expert on youth sexuality, tells me, “Young males believe they are re= ady for love when in fact they are ready for sex but still not ready to make a life-long commitment. Meanwhile, young females who are ready for love may respond to this male, hormonally-induced confusion by engaging in sex when = in fact their relationship is not ready for sex.”
It is most often true, for young and many not so yo= ung males: sex is such a powerful ‘natural high’ they will nearly s= ay and do anything to enjoy it with someone they find compatible and attractiv= e. Under the influence of this hormonal high, normal young males will mistake their mate’s friendliness as sexual receptiveness and males have a significant need for a clearly drawn “no” line—firmly and consistently applied.
Of course, this male-female sex-love difference cau= ses ample confusion and conflict, especially if they give in sexually to their affection and attraction toward each other. Given these facts, a no kissing rule may be best for both of them and clear the way for relationship development.
=
Consider—=
What do
you think God’s words say about all this?
Proverbs 20:2=
9 tells
us young men glory in their strengt=
h.
Does this include the strength of their hormones? Many young men, like the
prodigal son, need to come to their
senses. Sensibility and sensitivity is a lifelong need and process for
guys!
In the light =
of all
you have considered, does this ‘hands off policy’ make sense? Y=
ou
bet! But what about today’s society? What if you really “=
;can't” keep your hands off each other?
Before we con=
sider
the biblical solution, let’s consider Sol Gordon’s report on ho=
w to
handle the “can’t stop” argument. As he illustrates it, a
young man has his hands on a young lady. She tries to take his hands off. He
puts his hands back. She takes them off. He says “I can’t
stop!” She tests his “can’t” by saying,
“What’s that noise? Is that your mother coming?” Accordin=
g to
Dr. Gordon, she finds out, “Ah-ha, he can
stop!”
The Biblical =
solution
says keep the no touch policy, but if you really can’t keep the hands=
off
policy, first get married. The following biblical principles apply:
1 “Now
concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to to=
uch
a woman. 2 But because of
immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her o=
wn
husband. 3 Let the husband fu=
lfill
his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority o=
ver
her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not =
have
authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except=
by
agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come
together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
6 But this I say by way of co=
ncession,
not of command. 7 Yet I wish =
that all
men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, =
one
in this manner, and another in that. 8&nbs=
p;
But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if
they remain even as I. 9 But =
if
they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry th=
an
to burn.” &nbs=
p; =
(1
Corinthians 7)
A happy marriage perhaps represents
the ideal of human relationship— a setting in which each partner, whi=
le
acknowledging the need of the other, feels free to be what he or she by nat=
ure
is: a relationship in which instinct as well as intellect can find expressi=
on;
in which giving and taking are equal; in which each accepts the other, and I
confronts Thou.
Anthony Storr
H= ow will or did you decide to marry your mate? Will or did you do the asking? W= ill or did you wait until you were asked? Will or did you base your decision on= how you feel? Will or did it include some practical considerations? Which ones? Will you be or were you completely and forever convinced that God intends y= ou two to be married? Is God in it when your I confronts their Thou?
Did you know, even if you= married for “all the wrong reasons” once you are married, short of habi= tual adultery or behavior consistent with that of a prostitute, God wants you to stay faithful and married to each other forever, until death do us part? His two key series of verses are discussed below.
As Jesus clarified, ̶= 0;Have you not read, that He who created= them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, 'FOR THIS CAUSE A M= AN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. And I say to y= ou, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality[1], and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NASB Matthew 19:4-9= )
Note that Jesus’ re= sponse to the question about divorce is pe= rmissive—there is no absolute requirement to get divorced. His answer is better understood= in this light: God knows us so well and loves us so much that He understands m= any of us can not “take” the deep wounding which your partner infli= cts on you by fornication. In His love and wisdom, He excuses you from His never-ending desire for you to stay together! Marriage is more than both of= you feeling love, both leaving your parents protection, and both cleaving to ea= ch other. It is love in action. As an active verb, love in marriage requires t= hat two principles operate together on a daily basis. Both are needed to resolve marital differences and problems: m= utual surrender and mutual encouragem= ent. What’s my point? Long term, you can’t have one without the othe= r. If you want your marriage to be successful, neither mutual surrender nor mu= tual encouragement are optional.
Before we go further, let me ask you a personal que= stion. How will or do you go about getting your needs met in your marriage? ItR= 17;s a profound question with dynamic implications. When you take into account b= oth the fact that the differences between males and females far outnumber the similarities and that those differences include some very different needs, = it could seem impossible. In fact, it = is impossible unless you believe in and apply the principle of mutual surrender as a bare minimum= for your relationship success.
Should you decide you want more than just to elimin= ate the war of selfishness, you must also apply the principle of mutual encouragement—buildin= g each other up, helping each other’s dreams come true, meeting each other’s needs with enthusiasm—these teamworks are necessary for happiness and ongoing feelings of love.
Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. calls one aspect of these surrender-encouragement concepts “the principle of enthusiastic joint agreement.” Meaning: if you both don’t really agree, you better keep working on finding a solution until you find the one you both have enthusiasm for. This type of enthusiastic mutual encouragement is required because it is intertwined so strongly with your mutual surrender of selfishness—and a love that puts each other’s dreams, needs and wants in first place.
Far too many men and an increasing number of women = have developed what my friend Jan Hindman calls “The Burger King Syndrome.” In marriage this would take the form of “what’= s most important is to have it my way or else!” Of course, the ‘my way or the highwayR= 17; is the exact opposite of the law of mutual surrender and encouragement. Cle= arly this is completely contrary to God’s desires for our behavior: “= ;But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
(Ephesians= 5:24-25)
Consider—The above verses are the Bible’s second key marriage teaching. How is the following True or False? “Love in marriage is about giving without keeping score." According to our $198,000.00 of national interviewing of 6000 adults, it is "doing all you can to meet the other person’s needs without expecting anything in return, while believing = that your partner is uniquely able to meet your own needs."
Do you ‘get it?’ Love in marriage is unrestrained giving. It is not so much that you have getting rights as you = have giving rights and responsibilit= ies. Guys, I’m sorry to say that this fact has far too often been more qui= ckly grasped by females than by males—and all the more the pity of it, the male is more often the one who is responsible for setting the mood, moral or emotional tone in the home!
Consider—What is the closest thing to a sure bet in marriage in regard to the giving tone in the home?
It’s the common mistake most males make, which leads to a pattern so usual, it is almost 100% predictable among newly weds. What happens is this: At the beginning of the marriage, the bride will try = and set the example. She will give-give-give, and the groom will not-not-not. Because while she is trying to show-show-show him, he’s assuming, “I must be really doing things right!” While he’s thinking “M= an oh man, what a bride!” and basking in the glow of this seemingly perfect relationship, she’s beginning to tire. Usually no later than two years into the relationship, she’s had it with this one-way giving. Meanwhi= le, he’s not picking up on her subtle (actually, invisible to him) implications. Soon she goes into an unbalanced giving without receiving sta= te which is very conductive to full-blown resentment.
One day it seems to hit him all at once—usual= ly the day she can no longer do it his way anymore. To him, all of a sudden, somet= hing is wrong. She’s no longer happy being the wife of his dreams. She fee= ls like she’s married to a selfish “child.“ He is very confused. Why has she changed= so? He wonders, “Why has she deceived me about being happy with me?”= ; In his wildest nightmares, he has = never imagined God might be lining up several growth areas for him to address. Believe it, one day she fully realizes how unbalanced their relationship has become and she finds a way to bring it to his attention! Hopefully, his lack of gi= ving has primarily been lack of information and what he needs is education and encouragement.
However, this is usually a very trying time and he = is likely to break the Code of the West by issuing forth several and various discouraging words. Incredibly (to most wives), in this moment of blindness prior to the wisdom he is about to gain, most men will suggest to their wiv= es, “if only you would approach me in a better/friendlier/gentler/pleasan= ter/ sweeter manner (get the picture?), I would never get so angry/critical/shor= t- tempered/throw things. This is a key time for the wife not to falter, but gently stay the course and finish well by clearly restating her needs, e.g. “I’m not sure you are quite ‘getting’ what I’m saying. I need you to spend a bit of time visiting with me most days.”
Sometimes, if he is very convincing, she just got b= oth no relief and a new struggle: “Am I a bad person/wife? Unfortunately, she’s in a double bind—if she got just upset enough to behave in any manner that has gotten his attention, she is very vulnerable to the bad wife argument and for a while she may actually try harder to please him!
Consider—What does this scenario cause you to conclude? How does the saying, “Just as surely as a strong wind will blow out a candle, criticism bl= ows out love” apply to this?
When is the right time to criticize? Remember the l= aw of mutual encouragement? We’ve come to learn that it is never the right = time to criticize. Even ‘constructive criticism’ is received as an attack or discourages or demoralizes your mate. That’s right, our ans= wer is Never. No matter what. For instance, even if you have God’s permis= sion to divorce, God’s word does not tell you to leave in anger, does it? Whether the task before you is just to grow up and mature into the complete person God is looking for you to become, or to do both that and get divorced for good cause, at no place or time are you instructed to act or speak in anger. Vengeful attitudes and motives are out of the question.
Consider—What should you do if clear communication and balanced assertiveness
don’t put your relationship back to growing? Try a Marriage
Encounter—if you can’t find one, e-mail me or post a message on=
my
Yahoo Marriage Club. If Marriage
Encounter doesn’t work, take PREPARE/ENRICH. If that doesn’t work, get a competent,
biblical counselor, not just counseling from a Christian.
Heterosexuality is dangerous. It tempts you to aim a=
t a
perfect duality of desire.
Why is Duras’ short summary of heterosexuality so profound? What are the implications? Do you agree? Who invented sex? How did you first learn of it? Sex is included by the medical community in the list of the innate needs of men. If you have a strong appetite for sex, how do you control and fulfill = it? What do you think: when it comes to sex, is God more in favor of order or spontaneity? How does He intend sexual relations between couples to be? Wha= t is God’s plan for sex?
Some would say that sex is the invention of
men—for, after all, they are the ones who have such strong urges and
reportedly think about it all the time! A case in point came when I was giv=
ing
a workshop presentation at medical facility on Gary Smalley’s work on
male-female differences. A dear friend had encouraged me to use music and v=
ideo
clips to illustrate the main points I was making. After the presentation a =
man
came up to me and said, “What you said is true! The average male does think about sex 14 times an h=
our,
but it is far more often than t=
hat
for me when I’m in the presence of a woman I’m attracted to!=
221;
So don’t be surprised when wo=
men
state men have ‘one-track’ minds.
Consider—God’s first rule: Keep your sexuality totally with in the
boundaries of marriage. Why is that?
No surprise, God not only created us, He invented sex. He created men wi= th task orientation and a high level of responsiveness to visual stimuli (and, yes, self-control is the man’s job—no blaming it on others or externals). What does surprise me is the great number of 10 to 14 year old victims of incest who have never been to church who know that sex is for bo= th reproduction and for pleasure betwe= en husband and wife in order to strengthen their marriage.
God did create sex for reproduction and to spiritua= lly unite the hearts and souls of husband and wife through mental and physical closeness. In fact, sex is incredibly powerful in its ability to unify or divide us. When sex is love-bas= ed and in the context of a life-long commitment, it is the relationship bonding-gl= ue of the very best kind. When it is uncaring, unloving, and selfish, a mere release of lust, even with your lawfully wedded mate, its ever-increasing potential to divide you lurks just beneath the surface.
Contrary to the popular notion that promiscuous wom= en give and have more fun, recent research by Dr. Archibald Hart in England, The Mystery of Female Sexuality, h= as replicated earlier results in the United States which show that a Christian woman, in a committed and loving relationship with a Christian man, gives a= nd enjoys sex more, and more often, than their non-Christian counterparts.
As you might guess, God has a deep and continuing c= oncern about something so powerfully unifying and dividing. Although intended as an enhancement to bond a couple in marriage, the misuse of sex before or in marriage is a true concern of God’s—as reflected in the many ve= rses against both. However, God’s rules about sex are not only a warning a= bout the pain that comes from misuse, they are designed to make your sexual experience better, successful and more satisfying than you can imagine. Do = you understand? God truly wants your sex life to be frequent, love-making, and deeply satisfying for you both! Loo= k up and read Proverbs 5:18-20
God’s first rule is to keep your sexuality wi= thin the boundaries of marriage. Such a rule keeps your focus, and ensures your safety and security which is needed to fully communicate, fully relax, and fully feel all the joy God intended sex to give you.
God’s second rule is to always keep an ongoing positive mental image of the physical features and sexual behaviors of your mate—to think often of the beauty and strength He created in the eyes, hair, lips, neck, nipples, arms, legs and skin of the one you have committe= d to love from the day of your marriage until death do us part. (Song of Solomon 2:1-17)
God’s third rule is to make love often enough so as to not deprive your mate or yourse= lf from this His blessing just for married people. How often is enough? Accord= ing to the above-mentioned research with Christian women, the minimum healthy frequency is once per week, and for those who have less stress, twice a wee= k is the norm. However busy, you both must make opportunities and make sex= a priority. (Look up and read 1 Corin= thians 7: 4-5)
What could God have had in mind when He gave us the= se rules? Sex, only within the safety of marriage, makes sense in any age, even the new millennium. Today we are more convinced of the necessity of marital fidelity for disease control, but sexual purity is necessary for social ord= er, national strength, and trust-based unity of people. By God's decree, fornication is the only reason for divorce. (See below)
Both men and women, who have been promiscuous before marriage, usually report that this pre-marital sexual experience has caused them to have feelings they wish they had not had. Sexual attachment to some= one else was unwise because, it ended in suffering, or due to residual trauma, = it ended up causing feelings of unwanted antagonism toward someone else they w= ant to like and even should like, e.g. their subsequent spouse.
Consider—How is the failure to do one’s best before marriage, which
results in later resentment toward the one they love, similar to failure to=
do
one’s best after marriage.
The dictionary defines promiscuity as the state or character of being promiscuous or promiscuous sexual relations.[2] And promiscuous as being indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners, lacking standards of selection, casual, indiscriminate, random.[3] However, the original language of the Bible speaks against “porneia,” translated: fornic= ation. The dictionary says fornication= is: “Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each othe= r, harlotry, prostitution, incest, habitual adultery.” The word fornicat= ion had a lowly beginning and is derived from a word which meant “an arch= ed vault, or the cellar or similar place where prostitutes plied their trade.”[4]
Consider—Don’t be fooled by the word promiscuity and think it and
fornication are the same. What would fornication after marriage be? Of cour=
se,
habitual adultery, but what else? Is it possible for there to be fornication
within marriage? Check the above definitions as you consider what the Word =
says
about sexual relations and answer the questions above and below.
What about this thought? If a person indulges in po= rnography and then acts that out in marriage, even if the couple engages in the pornography together, would that be promiscuity? Or, if one person has no r= eal regard about the emotional impact of their own sexual behavior on the other, wouldn’t that be ‘using’ the other person and technically promiscuous? What do you think? Is it promiscuous in the sense of being out= side the context God intends for secure sex?
To those who study God’s Word, reports of emo= tional problems or disunity due to promiscuity or fornication before (or pornograp= hy and sexual selfishness within) marriage, make perfect sense and they are predictable, based on violations of God’s principles about sex before= and sex in marriage. God's first principle of marriage is to leave your parents= , cleave to your mate, and become one (Genesis 2:24).
Since cleaving literally means glued-together into = one being, if you become sexually glued to the wrong person or even to the right one at the wrong time, then there is painful trouble ahead. If you are marr= ied and have sexual relations with another person and then lose the one you married, then it is all the more painful—like laminated wood, when it= is pulled apart, rips and splinters both parts. As with wood and glue, if you = do things that tear your marriage apart, then there’s going to be a lot of splinters!
God intends you to avoid all this pain and the pain= of sexual frustration. To gain perspective on this problem and God's plan, consider for a moment a husband who insists on sex every day (or night). Su= ch a daily demand is outside God's plan because it does not take into account the wife’s life and needs. On the other hand, the wife who limits the sex= ual relationship to less than once a week, or to once a week with no enthusiasm, deprives her husband of a deep physical need and allows a strong craving to develop in him similar to being deprived of water, food or air. So much so,= he suffers a gnawing hunger similar to feelings of starving to death. Clearly, God's plan calls for balance between sexual gluttony and sexual famine.
= Consider—= How does each couple get this right for them?
God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, gave you thi= s love building solution—which also makes for your ever-increasing maturity = into completeness. God’s plan has always been for your complete maturity i= nto a Christ-like individual and a couple whose relationship reflects Christ. To achieve this He set up a clear, simple, but not easy-to-do solution: Turn your body over to your spouse and= let your mate take care of your clearly expressed sexual needs. (1 Corinthi= ans 7: 4-5)
=
Consider—=
Why
would God have you turn over something so powerful to another person?
Even though your sexual relations can either bond y= ou together, when handled well, or break you apart, when mismanaged, God gives= you that choice and your mate that much responsibility because it is within bot= h of your abilities to make sacrificial choices that show your love, and therefo= re make your relationship great!
One of the very best authors to ever write about se= x from both a biblical and what-really-works medically & psychologically perspective is Dr. Ed Wheat. In his book Love Life, Dr. Wheat lists three requirements for all of us to have a great sexual relationship: (1) full medical knowledge, (2) correct biblical knowledge, and (3) full adjustment to each other’s personal preferences.
=
Consider—=
What’s
Dr. Wheat’s point?
Even college-educated adults (who have access to the greatest libraries in the world) know far less about sexual functioning than they think they do! In this area of relationships, what you don’t know can and will hurt you. In fact, lack of knowledge here retards and erodes l= ove.
=
Consider—=
Sometimes
the lack of complete medical-physical-sexual knowledge is tragic—and =
even
if not tragic, it’s always confusing. So what is the solution for this
lack?
It’s not too late! At any stage of marriage, = you must read Dr. Wheat’s Intended for Pleasure, or the easi= er read, Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start by Clifford & Joyce Penner—read from cover to cov= er. These will help you find the meaning of the biblical principles of sex in specific detail, but we will begin here with those principles in general.
Biblically, we first need to understand that God recommends sex as honorable (“= ;Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled;…” Hebrews 13:4) and He does not want married cou= ples to abstain from sex (“The wif= e does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise al= so the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. S= top depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because = of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7: 4-5)
Second, makin=
g love
as often as we comfortably can is honorable. Demands and putting pressure on
your mate for sex is dishonorable.
What am I try=
ing to
tell you? This: please remember, the right response to a mate saying
“no” or “I can’t enjoy it right now” or ̶=
0;I
don’t want to” is ̶=
0;Thanks!
I’m so glad you can be so open and honest about this with me. As
attractive as you are to me, you’re important, I really only want to make love when you can enjoy it t=
oo.
Don’t worry about me, I’ve also been looking forward to taking a
walk with you.” Do you get it? You really want to make love only =
when
it is making love. So have a pl=
an B
to enjoy together or separately as the occasion indicates.
Great sexual
relationships are also couple speci=
fic.
While some issues seem to be universally true, such as men being visually
stimulated and really liking it=
when
their bride of even 50 years wears a negligee—and women needing
affection, goodness of relationship and emotional security prior to being a=
ble
to really enjoy sex, each couple is unique in how they best make love.
Therefore, clear but loving communication by both partners, coupled with a
sense of physical safety, are both essential for the development of the
intimate knowledge needed for a mutually satisfying relationship. Comments =
such
as “Ouch! You clumsy jerk!” are clear but not loving. “Ou=
ch!
Please be more gentle” is much better.
=
Consider—=
What are
your private, individual thoughts as you finish this chapter? Don’t s=
hare
them in class, but think deeply on them and share them with your spouse when
you can ‘speak the truth in love.’
Take a few mo=
ments
and summarize your key conclusions about sex here—but then don’t
loan out this book. It’s not an expensive book and is free from time to time on the inte=
rnet,
(www.completemarriages.com) so don’t loan it =
out.
Homose=
xuality
is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no
degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a
variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual
development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times
have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them (Plato,
Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc.). It is a great injustice to persecute
homosexuality as a crime— and a cruelty, too. If you do not believe m=
e,
read the books of Havelock Ellis.
Sigmund Freud
Why would you agree with Dr. Freud on this issue? Why no= t? When, if ever, is homosexuality endorsed by God? Why? Why not? Do you think having or not having someone you love in your family who is homosexual might influence you opinion?
=
=
Consider—=
Where
does God stand on homosexuality?
World famous =
sex
educator, then at Syracuse University, Sol Gordon once told me, “To s=
ay
‘one who is afraid of homosexuals is a latent homosexual,’ make=
s as
much sense as saying, ‘one who is afraid of dogs is a latent
dog.’”
One comedian =
said,
“If God intended there to be homosexuality, He would have created Adam
and Steve!” While I do not condone homosexual bashing, I wonder, how =
do
you feel about homosexuality?
Your answer w=
ill
probably reflect all of your personal experiences, auditory input and outpu=
t,
and whether or not someone in your family is or has been voluntarily or
involuntarily involved with or victimized by a homosexual.
Parents of
homosexuals often have suffered an unfair and strange reaction from others.
They may have more or deeper guilt feelings than their children because
non-homosexual professionals have written major theories of homosexuality
which, unintentionally or not, place blame on parents. Under older theories,
either the father was too apathetic, submissive, etc., or the mother was too
domineering. Under to more recent chromosome theories, the parents still fe=
el
to blame due to their genetics. Together the parents are in a no-win situat=
ion.
Either homosexuality is due to the parents genes or due to the way they rea=
red
and treated their child as he or she was developing.
=
Consider—=
How do
you think homosexuality develops?
My profession=
al
experience working in psychometric assessment and counseling with nearly 500
persons with sexual problems suggests that homosexuality comes into being
circumstantially—meaning there is some sexual event or accident which
occurs nearly at random. The event was neither planned by the pre-homosexual
nor specifically predictable to the parents before or at the time it happen=
ed.
=
Consider—=
What is
the point?
At a specific=
ally
non-predicable moment in time there was an unexpectedly powerful pairing of
sexual arousal with a person of the same sex. Afterwards, when arousal
naturally occurred, the paired memory of arousal with the recent or repeated
homosexual connection revived itself and became further linked to the curre=
nt
arousal.
Yes, granted,=
another
similar but opposite scenario is also possible. In some cases there have be=
en
disastrous pairings of sexual fear and pain (emotional or physical) with a
person of the opposite sex—causing intimacy with the opposite sex to =
no
longer be a comfortable option.
Ok, I admit, =
my
theory is based on only ten years of specialized clinical experience and is
sin-based rather than scientifically proven. Of course, it can’t be
scientifically proven since no one is about to divide children into two gro=
ups
and randomly subject half of them to homosexual sexual arousal of any kind,=
not
to mention the kind that happens in=
vivo.
And, yes, what I’m saying is<=
/i>
solely sin-based due to incorrect, albeit it on occasion innocent behavior. (Is unknown or unintended sin still sin?)
behavior. Sin-based? Yes, in the sense of the pairing of positive sexual
behaviors and feelings with a biblically incorrect person, or the pairing of
negative sexual feelings with a biblically eligible person, but at an incor=
rect
time or in a victimizing way.
=
Consider—=
Whose
sin is it?
Under this be=
havioral
model, it is not the parents and not the young, but developing, homosexual.=
It
is the sin of the person who was “the accident waiting to happen̶=
1; or
of the one who did the victimizing. In this way sin from outside the family=
was
brought into the family by a third person who may or may not have been
innocent. Do you get it? Most often homosexuality is either intentionally or
accidentally injected into the nuclear family by an outsider/relative with =
no
original sin on the part of the recipient or his/her parents.
=
Consider—=
Where do
you think is this leading?
Who are you t=
o judge
anyone God would want to love back into innocence? Instead, isn’t you=
r job
to be the light and salt of the earth, letting your love also shine them ba=
ck
to God's? To judge falls so short of Jesus’ instructions to love God =
and
our neighbors. Surely, your role is to love, not hate, exclude, or
discriminate. As a Christian you are called to express and extend love, not
repress it. Of course, God is against homosexuality, but He loves homosexua=
ls.
Your responsibility is to become more Christ-like and love all people, even homosexuals. To fail to do so doesn’t br=
ing anyone closer to God's
ideal—instead, it pushes us a=
ll
further away.
Another item =
of
concern you may not have heard about. One of today’s university preac=
hers
is asserting that the Bible does not condemn homosexuality as a sin during =
this
day and age—even if it did in the culture of biblical times. As one
learned teacher replied to that assertion, “There is a good Greek word
for that argument: hogwash!R=
21;
And, as another said, “No matter how you slice it, it’s still
baloney.”
=
Consider—=
Does God
limit His rules to ancient times? “For the
wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and
unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because =
that
which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to
them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His ete=
rnal
power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through w=
hat
has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew G=
od,
they did not honor Him as God, or give thanks; but they became futile in th=
eir
speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, =
they
became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image=
in
the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawli=
ng
creatures. Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to
impurity, that their bodies might be dishonored among them. For they exchan=
ged
the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather th=
an
the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them ov=
er
to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for t=
hat
which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural
function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men wi=
th
men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due pen=
alty
of their error. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any lon=
ger,
God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not pro=
per,
being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of env=
y,
murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God,
insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents wit=
hout
understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; and, although they know=
the
ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, =
they
not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice t=
hem.” Romans 1:18-32
=
Consider—=
Is the
Bible really silent about homosexuality today or does it disapprove of all
homosexuality? Regardless =
of how
you feel, probably the main poi=
nt is
not to be drawn into divisive arguments. If you are put on the spot, rather
than argue, you could instead ask the other person, “Do you really believe that God’s Wo=
rd
approves of homosexuality?” If they do so believe, then you could res=
pond
in a positive manner, “That’s interesting, we see that one
differently, even though I’m convinced God loves homosexuals.” How
else can you prepare yourself to greet homosexuals with love? If you know at
least one homosexual, how could you improve your behavior to be a greater
expression of God's love to this one? How might you pray for this one and f=
or these
issues and people?
Permissiveness is the principle of
treating children as if they were adults—and the tactic of making sure
they never reach that stage.
Thomas Szasz
What do you think Szasz means? How does this fit or not =
fit
what humorist Josh Billings s=
aid:
“Tew bring up a child in the wa=
he
should go— travel that wa yourself.” How is being a parent the =
same
as both being called into the ministry and a life sentence without parole? =
Or
is it? How is it the opposite?
Good parents and parenting skills are not s=
imply
built in at birth. They are made or put in
both by experience and by receiving love from someone. Whether you received=
the
experience needed is a difficult matter altogether—because some of us=
got
it and some of us didn’t! Fortunately, even those who received a poor=
or
negative parenting experience from their parents do not have to pass it on.=
You
can choose to learn successful parenting skills. This is made all the more
likely because God loves each of you as you are—so you will each rece=
ive
His unconditional love from some of God's own children even if you did not =
from
your own parents—the Bible uses a Greek word for God's love toward us
which specifies that He literally chooses to find joy in you and expects Hi=
s children
to do so as well.
Yes, good books help—such as Parenting Isn’t For Cowards =
by
James C. Dobson. All the more, good parenting is truly a holy and life long
calling. For Christians, when you first feel your incredible love for your
child, your understanding of the holiness of this mission begins with the
revelation of how awesome God's love must be for you. Your realization of t=
he
double blessing of a child to love and how much you are loved impresses you
with the fact that parenting is a calling and complete ministry in it’=
;s
own right.
As you begin to face the challenges and pro=
blems
of parenting, you can be brought closer to God as you turn to Him for patie=
nce,
strength and wisdom. This process of seeking and finding proper responses to
your children’s needs also chisels away great chunks of your
self-centeredness and improves your abilities in giving sacrificially. Your
abilities of self-control are also tested and strengthened from the years of
infancy all the way through to the adulthood of your children.
Consider—=
What are
your beliefs here? Is parenting more often like a joyful calling or a life
sentence for you? What could you add, give up, or change that would improve
your experience of parenting? Remember, all lasting change begins with your=
self
making the first change. What can you yourself do differently?
As a parent, the Bible specifically tells y=
ou,
you are never to let the sun set on your anger (go to bed still angry). But=
as
a parent, you have also heard experts tell you to ‘sleep on it’
before inflicting punishment when your teen comes home late, drunk, etc.